I just finished a huge work project and now I’m bored with 2 hours left in the day. So….If you took every baseball mascot and pitted them against each other in a giant cage match, here’s my pick for how they would fare in order. I haven’t even smoked any weed today. 1.Rockies (Nothing can beat a mountain range) 2.Angels (Super-natural entities are also hard to beat) 3.Giants (Assuming they are huuuuge giants not just large people) 4.Tigers (Big cats are scary) 5.Diamond Backs (Could move up the list if they got you with their fangs) 6.Pirates (Definitely some scary dudes) 7.Royals (They have lots of minions, and shiny scepters too) 8.Rangers (They got guns and dislike illegal immigrants) 9.Braves (I rank them above the Yankees because of Custer’s last stand) 10.Yankees (Assuming we’re talking about union soldiers) 11.Indians (Kinda like braves but this group includes women and children too) 12.Astros (Astronauts all have military training) 13.Athletics (Those hours in the gym must count for something) 14.Twins (2 times the fury. The Brewers just thought they were seeing double) 15.Mariners (like pirates-lite) 16.Marlins (They’d be top 10 if the cage match took place in the sea) 17.Rays (I assume they are still “Devil Rays”…just ask the Crocodile Hunter how tough they are) 18.Dodgers (I believe they are the “Trolly Dodgers” so they must at least be agile) 19.Phillies (People from Philly are mean SOBs) 20.Mets (Not quite as mean as Phillies, but New Yorkers will whoop some ass too) 21.Cubs (Let’s say they haven’t eaten for a week) 22.Brewers (Too drunk to pose a real threat unless they’re angry drunks) 23.Nationals (What is this like a diplomat? They are at least people with arms for punchin’) 24.Padres (Monks are peaceful people, but still better than little birds) 25.Cardinals (Of the 3 birds, probably the fiercest) 26.Orioles (Peckin’ your eyes out and shit) 27.Blue Jays (Weakest of the 3 birds because…um…they’re Canadian. Tee hee!) 28.Red Sox (I’m going with actual socks on this one) 29.White Sox (Like the Red Sox but minus the pigment) 30.Reds (Don’t know what they’re referring to, but at least it’s the color of anger)
February 14, 2008...3:13 pm
Dumbest Post Ever
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6 Comments
February 14, 2008 at 4:23 pm
thanks for the laugh Krappah (at least I’m guessing this is Krappah.)
The Brewers comment is my favorite, followed closely by the Twins and Indians comments.
I gotta say though, I’d take the Reds over the Red Sox or White Sox.
Also, if you’re talking about literal mascots the Mariners have a moose. Now a moose may look cute and cuddly, but I was chased by one last summer and let me tell you, it’s terrifying. Based on that I’d move them ahead of the twins.
Also, Chief Wahoo has a crazed look in his eye. I wouldn’t mess with him. I say move the Indians ahead of the Yankees.
February 15, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Being an A’s fan, I gotta move “Stomper” up the list. He’s not just a large elephant, but he’s an elephant who stomps twins, astronauts, snakes, tigers, Northerners, and Indians!
Are you sure someone didn’t slip you something in your coffee this morning, Krappah??
February 15, 2008 at 2:04 pm
I thought that non-dairy creamer tasted kinda funny.
What are the Reds named after? Does anyone know? Red Coats? Derogatory indian nickname? Pete Rose’s face after being caught gambling?
February 15, 2008 at 2:21 pm
According to Wikipedia, they originally were the Red Stockings. But they changed their name twice in the 1950’s to the Redlegs due to fears they would be associated with Communism. http://baseballminutia.com/images/redleg59.gif
February 15, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Well “Red Stockings” officially keeps them in last place on the list….maybe even further in last
February 19, 2008 at 12:20 am
I initially thought you meant baseball mascots like Lou Seal (Giants) or Mariner Moose (Who cares). Anyway, I think the scariest mascots would have to be the White Sox drunk father and son duo that tried to stab that Royals first base coach. They’re some good mascots, and would wipe that arrogant smile right off of Mr. Met’s jerk face.